Do we believe in God because we want to? Or because we need to? I was listening to the chaplain’s sermon today, about trusting in God and making that connection. I always feel good whenever I’m in a chapel in the military, especially with these dedicated groups I meet once in a while, we 20 of us singing in horrible harmony. But today I felt like I was unsure. Sure I believe in God and I believe that Jesus died on the Christ for me. But why? I always ask that question nowdays. Am I afraid that if I don’t, I will suffer in hell forever? What comes first, my trust and love for God, or that fear of hell? I feel like I know why others don’t believe in what I do. Because quite simply put, it’s too good to be true. Someone that gives everything, including their son and their life for us, yet is our Lord and God, wants nothing in return, just our faith in him and him only. Something for nothing. When is the last time that any human being has done that? With so much corruption and uncertainty in this world, we can’t possibly imagine what that is like, and we can’t trust anyone that offers such thing. Like people like to say these days, ‘God is dead.’ We need to give in from our humane pride and arrogance, saying that there is a being out there that is in every way better than me. I don’t know if I would believe in God right now if I wasn’t born a Christian. I feel like I would probably approach with caution and extreme skepticism. I’ve asked the same question to many people. Many have said there is no doubt. Others have expressed some kind of concern similar to mine. Sure I feel lucky, but what kind of divine plan is it for those of those that do not believe or have never heard the ‘good news’ is doomed to hell?. What kind of God do I believe in that believes in this test for his will to be prevailed? For people to die and doomed to hell for his eternal glory? Sure we earn the right to live forever, but is it worth my pride? My faith that though I may be weak, He who we cannot see is strong? That good will prevail though evil is all around us? Now that I fell that I understand the other side of the perspective, I do not understand mine. Why do I continue to believe in a dogma I was raised with?
I am so desperate to get out of here. But more so than that, I am desperate to see the world. I… I feel powerless and useless. It’s not the same as Ft. McCoy. That was different, harder than this one. But this dilemma I have… it’s rendering me powerless. I want to go with the postal inspection team to Afghanistian. This is the single most desire I have right now, more than going back home or fixing my jaw. I need to go there and see. I need to witness the world and see for myself why we’re here, what we’re doing for the world. I had a confrontation with CPT Eng yesterday. It’s strange how the conversation carried out itself. Of course I’ve been meaning to talk to him for quite some time. I told him that I have a question, that I am aware of the assessment team headed by CPT Peters is looking for a body, and that I would like to volunteer myself for it. He said to me a few things which I don’t remember in any particular sequence. He said that he believes that what they’re doing sounds more like a E7 job, and that the First Sergeant agrees with him. That the reason I didn’t go to Iraq last time was because they came asking for me without even consulting with him first, that he would have picked a more qualified person. He said it was kind of like SGT Figueroa going, because at first it was like they were trying to take him out, and he knew he could work without him but he said that he couldn’t let him go because they didn’t talk to him about it. But now that he wants to do it and got the job, it makes him look stupid because at first he said no and than later said yes (a lie because they had to take someone for the PFO job but CPT Eng asked different people if they wanted the job while he was aware SGT Figueroa wanted it). My counterarguments? That there was only one E-7 actually employed as the inspector, and the rest were 1 E-4 and 3 E-5s and variety of rank. Later when it was quiet for about 15 seconds he said that if he had a choice he would rather send out Miceli, because he’s not getting along with people here. After all this was over, I guess I figured that he will ask Alfaro about it anyway, so I asked her while all of us were there. I never thought she would say the last thing I would need to hear, but at least I was there to hear it. She said that she thinks it’s good that I’m willing to take on the responsibility, especially one that should be slotted for an NCO, and she thinks it’s a great idea especially having barely made the sergeants secondary list but that my ambitions are understandable and reasonable, that she thinks it’s a great opportunity, but that if she knew about this, then she would definitely love to go to Afghanistan and join the crew. That was it. She fucked me over. She made it sound like she was an NCO, and degraded me down to nobody. It’s kind of surprising she said that thing about Afghanistan, especially since she’s the one that knew about the distance learning schooling possibilities but didn’t bother letting anyone else know. She just humiliated me publicly is all. Perhaps she thought she needs to get back into the ‘educated-like’ mode and make it seem like she, too, educated, especially since CPT Eng and I were throwing vocabulary words she probably heard once or twice before. Damn, she was either really, really stupid, or just ignorant. Ignorance isn’t bliss.
At the time I didn’t know what to say. And I suppose I still don’t know what to say. I didn’t want to upset the guy that could be responsible for this opportunity, but I needed to make sure he knew that I wanted this pretty bad, and I couldn’t do both at the same time and achieve my goal. Not get along? So he would rather have Miceli jeopardize the assessment team’s mission rather than see the guy once every 2 days? Is that his definition of sending someone more qualified? I should have asked him, if Miceli wasn’t there, would my chances be greater? Why is he fucking over me who was involuntarily transferred and has and is and will always be working his ass off and sees an opportunity and wants to take it, over some asshole that transferred over to our unit voluntarily and he just wants to get rid of now? E7 job? Was he saying that although he thinks I am smarter than Miceli, he’s more qualified to do an ‘E-7’ job? What is this, who can be the most hypocritical guy on post contest? And why did he tell Miceli to keep quiet about the conversation they carried that day? Saying that he wants to know what other people have to say about it before Miceli tells anyone about it? That he was considering Contreras but that’s before he got kicked off the Reg team? Bullshit! That must have popped into his mind as an ingenious way of covering it up. He never did consider Contreras before anything, because he knew that I wanted to go, so why didn’t he want to come to me first before Miceli? Right now, my chances of going are slim to none. I should have just transferred when I had the chance.
I feel like I have a lot to write about, but at the same time I have nothing to write about. Everytime I feel that I need to start writing about something, I don’t know where to start. It’s not that there’s something new happening everyday, but it just doesn’t… feel right.