I am getting tired of updating daily entries.
I told Christine I love her still. Was it a good idea? I don’t know, but I didn’t want her to think I was completely over her. Her boyfriend is pursuing her as a possible wife and I… thought it was the best way to make her think twice about motivating him to follow such pursuit.
I was talking to Teresa today. I hated being attached to her in any way, so I told her that I feel sorry for her kind… She’s going through her period. I feel like I am being pulled in 4 different directions. Now with a girl named Tiffany I don’t even find attractive anymore, an immature, conservative, inexperienced, somewhat quiet and ambiguous, I feel attracted to Christine who I still feel like I wanna marry, Teresa, who I cannot and should not pursue, and a girl named Jessica from my music class. Teresa’s a fun girl, but she hurt me in a way that I couldn’t compensate. I’m making some mistakes, but that one was deliberate. I see her and I remember what she tastes like. Last night was the worst. I went to top dog with her and talked for about an hour, but on the way back I found myself attracted to her. I wanted her to tell me to come inside. I stumbled, and she saw it. She said I looked tired. I said but of course. I don’t want to believe that I still have a chance with her. Because she doesn’t see me as anything but a friend. But I must go on, remembering things she has forgotten, and my memories of her will not fade without afflicting pain.
I want to pursue a girl that I find on my own, someone like Jessica, who is somewhat ambitious yet fun. But at the end of the day, I still feel like I want to settle down with Christine. My heart tells me no in every direction, and my mind is overwhelmed with signals that I cannot comprehend. Emotionally I’m strained, academically I am falling behind, and all the while I am tormented with clear distinction for the limitations of my abilities.