I learned that I am not the greatest listener, but I have finally realized why I tend to lose track of people’s thoughts. It’s because during a process in which I try to make their thoughts into my own personal and therefore easily identifiable thoughts, I try to simultaneously and consciously simulate those ideas in my head to fit those pieces neatly into a growing jigsaw puzzle of complexity.
I’ve been comparing myself to my friends, colleagues, and family members to measure my own successes. For the longest time I believed that I had the most benevolent mind, the kind that went beyond the scope of my own needs and desires. I wanted to change the world after the fact because I felt that was my purpose in life.
It’s not necessarily some benevolent mindset that got me here. I’m a jealous guy, a greedy guy. I’ve been wanting to do better not just because I wanted to save the world, but because I figure none of my colleagues are capable of doing it and doing it right.
I need to be able to celebrate my successes. To be kind to myself, to love myself as I would love my neighbors. For the longest time I’ve been too hard on my accomplishments, downplaying them in an attempt to develop humility. But what I need more now than humility is pride, to properly celebrate not only the lives of others but my own as well. And I need to be generous to myself and my accomplishments, the same way I would objectively be kind to others’ accomplishments.
I need to learn to love myself. Where did all of this come from, this measuring stick of standards? I was so adamant to believe that no success defined me. But I was also hypocritically adamant to believe that failures defined me.
I’m learning that others are also good at being perceptive. To when another is fatally trying to cover up his or her annoyed, angry, bored, happy, and sad emotions,among others. But I’ve also learned that I can much more easily and quickly simulate others’ experiences and emotions in my head. I can sometimes sit there and take my soul out of my body and feel what you feel as we are conversing; to perceive as you perceive. Couple things happen here. I develop a lot of empathy towards the way you feel because I can so easily see your perspective. And I also develop not an idea of who you are objectively, but who you are relatively to who I am.
Of course, if you take that a step further, you can probably tell how you can take advantage of that. Manipulation can very well be the end result and interrogation can very well be the means to get there.