I wonder if she knows just how beautiful she is when she smiles.
It was never meant to be. But man, what a ride, and how I learned so much through this experience.
I didn’t realize that our seminary class was going to have so many new people. I noticed her because she’s a girl, which is a rarity in seminary. I should say that I immediately thought she was pretty. I wasn’t attracted to her, because I just don’t these days just based on looks. The first class we had was New Testament I, which involved a colloquium. Meaning she needed to talk to get some points for her grade. I had just learned from my company’s HR exercise that some people prefer to have a round table where everyone gets an equal chance to speak. I began to think that she was one of those. So towards the end of the class, I was just trying to make sure she was getting all that she could. Her and another woman named Michelle had not participated, so I was thinking of ways to help both of them out. But Michelle eventually raised her hand and she didn’t. So I raised mine just to say, “I was actually wondering if she has a question.” She thanked me and said that she actually does. At that point, I didn’t really have an attraction for her, just trying to take care of people in the class or in any environment like I usually do. I’ve always kept an eye out for those that may have been marginalized in some way.
Next class was Old Testament 1, beginning in late September. I suppose one day I talked with her briefly and had a good idea what kind of girl she is. I was starting to feel attracted to her, but I wasn’t quite sure if it was for the right reasons. I heard through other people some snippets about her here and there. Then I had a brief interaction with her and noticed that she’s got a pretty sarcastic humor like I do. She loved God and wanted to learn more about God. That’s all there is to it for her. And when I realized that that’s the type of girl she is, that’s when it started to really pick up.
Around October 19th, as Old Testament 1 was winding down and right before we began Old Testament 2 was when I started to really struggle with it. I thought to myself, there’s no way a girl like that could be single, and thought about it. Perhaps I thought about it too much, but I didn’t want things to be unnecessarily awkward. After all, we spent about 10 hours together stuck in a room on Friday/Saturday. I told my small group that I’m thinking about asking someone out. On November 6th, I texted this to my friend Patrick.
Me: you know, even if nothing comes out of this girl, I’ve already gotten so much out of it. I was thinking, what side of me can I show that would be meaningful to her? My degree, countries traveled, my bank account (or lack thereof), intelligence (or lack thereof), my military experience, my work ethic… 2:12 PM
Me: then I realized she doesn’t care about absolutely any of that. All she cares about me is that I really love God and that I really love people. I then realized that’s what God really cares about in my relationship with him, too. And I think that’s why Paul was saying, “I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish” (Phil 3:8). 2:14 PM
Me: I think I’m starting to understand more deeply what he means by that. All that stuff I’ve done and who I am don’t matter at all to her or to Christ… all that matters to her and God is that I love God and love my neighbor as myself. Everything else really is rubbish. 2:14 PM
Me: My 2013 new year’s resolution was to love god more, and I think at the very least he’s helping me do just that through her. I would still be very much satisfied if that was the only thing that God wanted me to get out of having gotten to know her and to never see her again. 2:21 PM
I went to go visit one of my friends in White Plains on Nov 8th. She asked, “do you think she knows?” I said “Yeah I think she does.” And she said, “then you have to ask her. Don’t delay. She’s gonna grow impatient with you. Ask her.”
So I decided I would. November 16th, I stopped her just before she got on the train, and said, “Can I ask you a question? Would you like to grab a drink with me sometime?” She smiled, and said, “Yeah, sure!” And gave me her number. You should have seen her smile.
I saw her on November 20th. She genuinely seemed happy to see me. And she genuinely liked the place we went to. I suppose I could regurgitate much of the conversation but I really shouldn’t. I would just say that I would have done a few things differently. First, I would never set up to meet someone for the first time over coffee late night. She had been up and working since early morning to take care of some kids and it was 8:45 PM by the time I saw her. I was also very tired myself, not having gotten a lot of sleep the night before, and I don’t remember thinking that I knew what I was doing half the time. Second, I would have focused more on her day first than go right into so tell me more about you. I wish I talked more about the experiences we’ve had in common so far and the people we’ve encountered than that. Third, I should have just tried to have a good time with her and not focus on trying to learn more about her. I asked her so many questions that it must have felt like an interview. And fourth, I should have answered questions in fewer words. I think I was so intent on being so transparent that I said a lot of things and it left very little to normal back and forth communication. And besides, I ended up talking too much. I realize now (again) that I’m a complicated guy. I have a complicated story that I don’t think many people have, and it takes a while to tell all of it, and even more unnecessary effort to understand it all. I need to learn to be brief and stick to the important notes. Maybe she got a good sense of who I am, but I don’t think she had a great time being with me. No knock on her, that’s for sure. I think our interests were similar, and so is our character, but there were enough differences. I left not getting a very good feeling. I approached it like it was a blind date, when it was anything but. Perhaps I had spent too much time over the last 3 months just wanting to get to know her. I could have been much more controlled in my approach and just desire instead to just have fun with her.
She returned my text the next day and said that she doesn’t think it’ll work out. I thanked her for her honesty, and I agree with my friends that it was a very nice and loving thing for her to do. And of course I thought the same way, that was a very mature thing for her to do. You get one chance to make an impression in things like this, and I obviously didn’t make a good one. But I reacted in a very different way than all the others I’ve had. I don’t feel too bad about it and my emotions today tell me that she had not become my idol, a far departure from where I would have been in a similar situation a year ago. I’ve already moved on and am excited by other ways that I can use my time in the coming years (missions, PhD, and/or teaching). I do wish I had a couple more shots of getting to know her better so that I can know for sure. Yes I made a bunch of mistakes to a girl that I still very much like as a person, someone who I think is beautiful both inside and out. But I do feel glad knowing that she has the kind of judgment that will allow her to find a more suitable person, and that has given me a lot of peace and ability to move on so quickly; and I do realize it’s also because I’ve finally come to a point where I treasure God over everything, including any human relationship.
This experience taught me a lot about getting into a relationship with God. You don’t know how to please him if you don’t know him. But as you grow in the relationship, you learn more about what makes him happy. More you know about God, the greater number of possible things open up! Kind of like starting a relationship with someone new. The first date you won’t know anything about them. But later on, as you get to know them better, you start thinking more about what pleases that person, and the possibilities are endless! What events to attend together, what CDs to pick out, which movies to watch, what to say and what not to say, and a desire to spend more and more time with that person. The possibilities of different ways of showing affection for that person becomes endless and and to me becomes most exciting, in both romantic and friendly relationship. I think it’s the same way about God. The more you know about God, the more your love for him grows, and you learn more different ways of pleasing God and you get a lot of joy out of doing that. I get it so much better now. You pray without ceasing (1 Thess 5:17) not because of some command you feel obligated to obey or because you believe he won’t ever do what’s best for you without prayer, but because you just can’t stop thinking about Him.
You can’t stop thinking about different ways to please him based on what you know pleases him. Should I show my affection and love for him today through prayer? Perhaps with evangelism and worship? Or maybe I’ll share the gospel while serving the poor. Or perhaps I’ll grieve with those who grieve. So many different possibilities, and that is really exciting to me.
I am so indebted to her for helping me realize that. It was worth the 3 month journey. Because now I love God so much more for this experience and through this experience.