So February is in the house now, so I should stop writing 2004 all the time, but it just doesn’t feel right…
It is her fault.
The Colorado congregation for years fought for my mother’s return. Apparently some of them even conversed with my mother. And when they heard my mother’s side of the story, they looked down upon my mother and my father as well. They demanded the return of my mother to her post, her obligation. Whether my father was the type of person that wasn’t even there for the birth of his own children he confesses he loves so much was irrelevant. A servant of God should not shy away from her God-given obligation. When the divorce papers came through to Colorado, it caused a great deal of comotion between the congregation and my dad as the pastor. They forced his resignation from Colorado’s post, and I can imagine it was only the disgusting display of Korean arrogance and apathy that preceded it. And on the day of such fiery church divide, my dad’s hands started to shake and has been shaking without fail since then.
This is the mother that my step-mother knows. To her, my mother is an arrogant woman who spat at God’s will. My mother is dishorable, dishonest, and untrustworthy. When I replied that my mother is an honorable, courageous person, someone who has crossed an ocean to an uncharted land who risked everything for her children, she responded that such courage was supplemented by child support and hence my brother’s and my successes. I said no child support can guarantee success. She says that is true, but my father supported me nontheless. In fact, when she started to live with her, he was in such a bad condition. He didn’t have a decent suit to wear. He had the bare necessities, had to conserve money like no other to support myself and my brother, and so it was also his suffering that allowed my mother to raise the kids. In fact, she didn’t have much to do but just be there. And still she does not realize why my mother divorced a man. Sure he can be ignorant sometimes, but that does not suffice for a divorce. And marriage is something that can’t be broken, because you share that physical bond. I will understand once I’m married, too, she said. Throughout it all, she tried to back it up with the bible this and the bible that. My hatred for fundamental christianity grew just as equally with each annotation. And I hated her talking about examples of how she raised her daughter successfully, without any outside help. How she was loyal, and her gloating over her level of patience.
She said when a person marries, it is through the good and the bad times that the two people swear to overcome together. And when she married my father, she promised him that she will never divorce him if he agreed not to bring my mother into the equation. He agreed, and now my father and my mother never speak at all. She was sick with the cold not too long ago. And my father said that he usually gets over a cold after he simply drinks a glass of orange juice. But she still has not seen that orange juice. But it is something she is willing to live past. She loves that man that she married, someone who is devoted to Christ, to his kids, someone that is kind at heart, who is honest. She loves my father for the same reasons I respect the man I see past his obvious shortcomings.
I asked her how simply calling my mother would be so difficult. And why is it that my father cannot converse with her? She seemed to relate a phone call as a declaration of love. He has no business with his past affairs, she said.
Finally, I asked her if she would be present when I get married. She said definitely. I asked her if she would converse with my mother since she would be there as well. Here is when I was angry at her response. She replied that since my mother divorced my father and not the other way around, she gave up her right, lawfully, to be my mother, and so should not be at my wedding. This step-mom insisted she instead would be there in her stead. And if my biological mother was to visit, then she should sit with the rest of the crowd, not within the family. I simply replied that that’s not how it is done here in America, everyone comes, so couldn’t she bear my mother’s presence for one day out of her life. She said then that if it pleases me, then she would indeed speak with my mother then on my wedding day but would never again speak to her.
I am angry because when she first conversed with me, she expressed her feeling of guilt about the implied substitution of her as the motherly role. I said that is not necessary, it’s like having another mother, not a substitute. Now she was saying that my biological mother, who has taken care of me since before I was born, has given up her right to be my mother, and she has instead insisted that she be present as my mother on my wedding day. This is Korean conservative idealism at its worst. Hypocritical, arrogant and stubborn, emotional, conventional.
But I couldn’t deny her loyalty to my father. And that in the end left me with some satisfaction, knowing that my father is in good hands now, in the hands of a woman that knows how a man, how a human being for that matter, should live. I think back to the days when I visited during Thanksgiving. How much I hated watching him, sitting alone in his sofa, looking into the distance, looking past and into nothingness. The face that bore my sadness, the face that defined sorrow beyond measure. And now I am happy, in all honesty. Because now, sitting next to him, is a human being, who can always be there for him. Who can better determine his real physical as well as emotional conditions. Because this woman is loyal, till death do they part, to someone I love dearly. And I can not mistake that loyalty and love as fantasy.
Maybe it’s better she does not speak with my mother. Even if some of the things that she had said of my parents’ relationship prior to and after the divorce, perhaps ignorance is bliss. Maybe combining the single biased perspective with another biased perspective would not resolve anything but instead create more conflicts. Maybe the truth will hurt everyone so much more; the truth will bring doubt in such loyal heart. And maybe it is for the best; the church congregation has repeatedly mentioned that his succumbing to the past grievances and misunderstanding is no good to his emotional and physical health. And I have to agree. Because in many ways, I see my own mother in her.
Helplessly now, watching the future unfolding, I can’t help but imagine, what if.