There was this girl I liked in 3rd grade when I was still in Korea. I had a feeling it was one of the mutual I know you know that I know. But I never acted on it. She was shy yet assertive. I was the one that was abrupt yet passive.
We were divided into groups of two per table, one male one female. Every few weeks, the boys would get up, grab their belongings and choose a different girl to sit next to. We would all line up next to the wall in the back of the class and the boys would sit next to a girl he wanted to sit next to. I was one of the last 5 boys that still hadn’t decided yet, and to my own surprise she was still not taken. I remember her turning around and waving me forward, telling me to come sit next to her. The teacher promptly told her to turn her head forward. Like a little coward I was I wasted no time and hurried to go sit next to a different girl I had never talked to before. I’m not much of a popular guy now and I was never much of a popular guy then, so I was not surprised to turn to the girl next to me to see her disappointed face. Regret.
I was extremely bipolar as a kid. I was loud, sometimes obnoxious, and mostly just plain stupid. The class president took down names of people that were loud before the teacher walked in and those kids had to serve an after school sweep cleanup. Obviously, I was on that board most of the time. For a few weeks, however, I really wanted to test myself. I shut my mouth and didn’t say a word. When spoken to in rarity, I quickly mouthed my answer back and put my hands on the table and patiently waited.
But one day she got in trouble. This shy girl that rarely talked got caught at the wrong place at the wrong time. The president of the class wrote her name down for after school cleanup duty. My heart started to pound again. I woke up from my slumber like a bear disturbed from his hibernation. The class president warned me once, and twice, only because he knew I had been trying to be so politely and uncharacteristically nice and quiet for so many weeks. My newfound reputation was on the line. But my only intention was to see my name on the board.
After class, we were all squatting around our little squares we were busy sweeping with our hand brooms. I made a few passes around her area and didn’t say anything. Instead I spoke to everyone but her in the short 30 minutes of lost opportunity. Regret.
In Korea, it’s much easier to have the long vacation in the winter time than in the summer time because much of the country is snowed in by the winter. So the school year ends in the winter, shortly after the winter break. I told my teacher that I will not be back after the break because I will be emigrating to US. I remember the teacher called me up on that fateful day to give a speech to the class on the last day of school, in respect to my emigration to US. So that was my first experience of speaking in front of a class. I didn’t know what to say, so I put my hands in front of my face in such a way that I looked like Batman, and made weird noises, at which point everyone laughed. I gave a short “I will miss you alls”, and pointed out a few people that I barely knew, but I politely didn’t mention her name. I wanted to. My heart was pounding like it had never beat before. But my time came and went. I sat back down and regret blanketed over me, covering me in shame. But envy over my good fortune surrounded the same me that had desired such just weeks before.
Towards the end of the year, when it was just approaching winter, she always wore this brown fur coat whenever it was cold. After my final day of class in Korea, several kids that wanted to be the friend of the suddenly coolest kid on the block gathered around me. The parade outside lasted few minutes. I was foolishly concerned then with memorizing people’s phone numbers and address the same boys that I couldn’t care less about. But I couldn’t help and look back and catch her glimpse, and her shy stare on the ground below her, the sly, regretful, trembling smirk that spoke stronger than words through her closed lips. She was wearing her brown coat. And I turned forward, ashamed, embarrassed at my own embarrassment, yet afraid of looking anything but confident and proud as I walked out the gates for the last time. Regret.
It’s the what ifs that really kills you.
When my life flashes before my eyes, will I finally meet her again? I can’t wait…