I think a lot (I think I mentioned this quite a few times before) and taking a questionnaire recently motivated me to do something that I’ve been meaning to do for a while. And that’s to write again about who I think I am and how I came to be.
So on a UPenn website called Authentic Happiness, you can take a test that measures your top 5 strengths out of 24 total. Obviously, since it measures only the positives, it’ll make that person look that much better than he/she really is. Here’s my top 5.
Your Top Strength
1. Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.
2. Kindness and generosity
You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.
3. Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness
You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a “real” person.
4. Capacity to love and be loved
You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.
5. Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.
Here are my thoughts.
1. Everything I do is dependent upon what I think is the right thing to do. I’ve gotten into several heated discussions about that very idea with my family and sometimes even my friends when one thing seems more right to one person than the other. But I try hard not to do something if I have an alternative motive behind it. This is something I keep reminding myself and will go to great lengths to sustain. I think this particular one really hit it on the head. It has become the mantra of motivation behind every conscious decision I’ve made since the war.
2. I do keep saying that I don’t want to be remembered. I want to try and do great things and be forgotten forever. I want to be cremated, without a single trace of myself in a grave. If someone wants to keep an item that reminds me of them during their lifetime, that’s fine. But in in my ideal world, I would want to do good things to lots of people and never be known or remembered for them. I didn’t expect this one to score this high, though.
3. The way they mean by the word honesty here may be different than how I would identify the word with me. I sometimes do find myself pretending I know what people are talking about. Try as hard as I might, and as much as I would like to pride myself in not doing it as often as I find others, I find myself sometimes exaggerating for effect. So in that case, as much as I think I may be more honest than others, I am not as much as this one make me out to be. However, although I may seldom exaggerate events, I always (at least almost always) tell the truth about people. This includes, to as large an extent as you could describe it, only making comments about people behind their back in the same manner I would in front of them. However positive you think I perceive you to be is more than likely how I really do think about you. I will rarely talk negatively behind your back but will be brutally blunt with you. I dislike it when people use the word “real” to describe someone, so I don’t like this one at all. Am I down to earth? I don’t know. That’s for my family and friends to decide. I would like to think, though, that I am relatively easy going, do not offend people easily and do not get offended easily, too.
4. I dislike this one with a passion. I value close relationships… but is there anyone out there that doesn’t? Are you not best friends to your best friends? I personally thought this one was stupid. I would say, though, that I can count the number of close friends with my ten fingers and would be willing to take a bullet for any one of them. There is, however, a big gap between my close friends and everyone else in terms of numbers and how deep I view my relationship with them.
5. So I like to say that I don’t consider myself to be the smartest man around. But I did always consider myself to be clever. So I’m glad this one managed to make it up there.
So on to my own subjective perceived weaknesses. (not on any test, just my own thoughts)
1. I can look down on people. I am ultra competitive. I like to come off modest and probably succeed in that regard, but I always, always compare myself to everyone else. If I see myself lagging behind in anything I do, I always change my behavior (step it up/down). Sometimes, however, that could turn into jealousy if someone is far off and I find reasons to be jealous instead of respectful. I never talk about this publicly, but I do compare myself against my co-workers, colleagues from school, close friends, and yes, even my brother. I use that as my main motivator, my main fuel. It drives me to reach higher than I ever would otherwise. I am never satisfied about the status quo. If I pass someone else’s own accomplishments/goals, I look for someone else to compare myself to.
2. I am arrogant. I am probably one of the most arrogant people I know. I was as a child, as a k-12 student (even when I seriously didn’t have anything going for me) and especially after the military deployment. The only difference was that I got better at channeling my emotions after the deployment. I think I am more in the right than in the wrong. I am comfortable arguing about things I know very little about. And if I am ever confronted with someone who thinks I’m wrong, I devote most of my immediate time and energy after the fact to convince myself I am still right (I find that I sometimes am and sometimes am not). There are some exceptions, but it is more about people than topics of discussion. I will always second guess myself when I am talking to my closest friends. I will never think I’m in the right when I’m talking to my friend Patrick Yu unless he decides to agree with me. With my family, though, although I don’t dismiss their opinions, I’ve exponentially become more independent from them in the last few years.
3. I am angry. Deep down inside, at some level of subconsciousness, I am an angry being. I always have been. I was a problem child. My strength number 1 about justice is based on the very idea that unless such appropriate action and mode of thought is taken, I will cause nothing but havoc.
4. I am obnoxious and reckless. I am not afraid to bare my soul, but also am just as not afraid to erroneously overstep my boundaries. I act before I think more often than I should. I’ve rarely, if ever, truly regretted an act of recklessness. I have, however, truly regretted an act of appeasement, and it haunts me to this day.
5. I sometimes give myself more credit than I probably deserve. That includes giving myself kudos for adding this fifth point just to even out the strengths and my perceived weaknesses so that a) I do not come off as ultra arrogant and b) I keep myself in check. It may also include the perception that I know people extremely well. I know how to say the right things to push the right buttons with people, how to get the response that I desire and can sometimes put a relative stranger at ease pretty quickly and tell me everything about themselves (and I am more than willing to do the same, point 4 above). I have sometimes been described as smooth (as late as yesterday) and even as too smooth.
It all comes down to this: I’m an angry being at the subconscious foundation whose pursuit of justice of righting that wrong lead me to overcome elitist perception of myself by being the most perfect being I can be compared to everyone else. I will never sacrifice my integrity by failing to even attempt at being genuinely kind being, and will treat everyone fairly regardless of how I feel about them.
All of this, obviously, is predicated on the fact that I, as an arrogant being, believe that I am right throughout that process. I am convinced that I’ve been more right than wrong so far.