You know, I’m really not in a hurry to get married. Some people are curious enough to ask why I’m not. If the conversation is casual in nature, I usually say, “because I’m scared about the fact that 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever.” If the conversation is a bit more intimate in nature, I usually say, “because there are too many things I wanna do.”
If the person is still curious, they’d usually ask what it is I wanna do, exactly. I think they ask because they’re curious why I would think I can’t do something if I’m married. I’d list some general ideas, about school, jobs, things like that. But it really boils down to this: I’m wanting to put everything on the line and be able to risk everything. I can’t in good conscience do that with a family or even a wife. Sure maybe (more like probably) I’ll lose it all, but I’d still be young and I’m pretty confident I can then find a relatively safe corporate job, if I get my MBA and have a good track record of working as an analyst. BUT AT LEAST I’LL NEVER WONDER, WHAT IF.
And I think that’s how I made my decision to drive to south america, too. Even though every option fell through and I ended up driving by myself, I had everything logistical ready to go. Only thing I didn’t have was the wherewithal to speak spanish very well or diagnose and fix any automobile issues. So I gave it a try because I would have always wondered if I would have made it. And even if I didn’t make it, I would be pretty sure I made the right choice by deciding to go for it.
This is somehow related. I was thinking about these two things while driving in to work today.
Obviously, there are a lot of drawbacks from not living with my biological father for most of my life, but I think there were some positives as well. I was at a church retreat last year, and the topic was about being a real man… about knowing that there is nothing wrong with grieving. In fact, you owe it to yourself to make sure you go through the grieving process right the first time, otherwise it’ll show its ugly face in ways you can’t even imagine. We were sitting around small groups and talking about what each one of us need to grieve about. I was pretty shocked to discover most of them talking about their fathers, and about how nothing they ever did was good enough for their fathers and they can’t get over that fact. These were grown men with kids of their own.
I grew up with my mother and my step-father for the most part. And my step-father is an assertive-aggressive type, and my mother is more assertive as well. But they never pushed me to feel one way or another. I never felt like I needed to do something to please them. I always felt appreciated when I did something right. I always felt like shit when I did something wrong. It was almost always objective in that regard. It was never about “oh your best is still not good enough for me. What have you done to impress me lately?” It was always about “figure out your passion and go for it. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough.” I appreciate and value that part of my family dynamic the most, especially since that small group encounter when I realized the opposite is more true than not.
And I think that’s how I approach my life now because that’s how I was raised. That’s also how I’ve interacted with my high school mentee for the last 3 years. Whenever he tells me “thanks, I could definitely not have done this without you,” I’m frankly really honored. But even if there is an inkling of truth to that statement, (I certainly hope I’ve made a difference) I always shoot back and say, “you did this. I helped along the way, but you did this yourself. You brought yourself out of a gang. You raised your GPA from 73% to 89%, even as your friends were getting killed and your dad’s incarcerated. You did this yourself, and don’t let anyone, including your family and certainly not me, tell you otherwise. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.”
Most of that is because I don’t want him to go to college without any mentors and think he is all of a sudden alone and therefore unable to accomplish anything meaningful in life. But it’s also because that’s how I was raised, too, and I do value that. It’s a consistent message to the mantra, “don’t let anyone tell you you’re not good enough, or that you’re not capable of doing something.”
So as I continue on with my life, I realize that even though I really never sought out any substantial help or advice from my family since I was 17, they’re there to at the very least give me their perspectives, encouraging me to take it as one perspective of many out there, and not taking it personally if I decide to pursue a different route. Even when I joined the Army, the discussion was never “No, and that’s the end of it.” It was, “are you sure? What benefits do you see from it? Have you considered these drawbacks?” And I think that’s why I’m able to think this way, to risk everything. I’m my own judge. I don’t have to worry about how my family will judge me because they won’t. And I’m very thankful for that.