I wrote this on October 6th, 2011 on my computer and I’ve decided to edit it a little (almost all about time) and finally post it online. I was deep in thought then, yet again, and I felt very compelled to write. I haven’t had such a sense since then.
– On Worth
A secular professional job doesn’t entice me too much anymore. Ideally, my job would pay me a decent sum (somewhere above $75,000, some of you know why) with decent benefits. But I’m now much more interested in a good work/life balance. Meaning I no longer live to work. I work to live. This wasn’t true when I started out at IBM 4 years ago. No wonder I got promoted 5 months into my career to a position that usually requires 2+ years at IBM. I remember many late nights by myself, trying to take that extra step.
I think I was like that even 1 year ago. I cared deeply about how much money I would make. Make more money and you can help a lot of people, not just yourself. My MBA application revolved around that idea. What started out with venture capital went into social entrepreneurship and eventually into social venture capital.
When I got rejected from University of Pennsylvania – Wharton’s MBA program on March 24, 2011, I wasn’t actually all that devastated. I was more devastated during the interview that happened about 4 weeks prior to that. Because the interview went so poorly that I already knew I wasn’t going to make it. About 40% of applicants get interviewed and about 40% of those interviewees get in, netting about 16% of applicants in the end. I’m glad I had a shot with the interview.
When I finally did get rejected, I wrote to myself that I’m going to make sure that getting rejected by Wharton was the best thing that happened to me thus far. I suppose it’s akin to the promise I make every birthday since my 21st birthday, that I’m going to make sure that the coming year will be my best year yet. And in the past 12 months, I’ve lived up to that promise I made after Wharton rejection.
Sometime before I even got that interview with Wharton, though, I was already starting to, albeit barely, think about going to seminary school. This came about as I was just thinking about what I should do if I got into Wharton. I would definitely quit my job early. Question was what would I do with that time during the summer, after quitting my job and before going to school? I could travel a bit more like I did after I finished my undergrad. I could go to Korea and hang out with two of my best friends and live with my dad, getting intensive physical therapy for my upper/lower back, neck, and shoulders, while finally teaching myself the guitar for real this time instead of cutting corners and learning tricks. I could go on a missions trip with Milal Missionary Choir for a couple weeks in Italy.
OR… I could use that time during the summer to take 2-3 seminary courses.
Sometimes I wonder if I misrepresent the timeline of my stream of thoughts to myself. I think everyone falls prey to that at one point or another and I’m not exception. I’m glad I wrote this in February 22, 2011, a full month before I was rejected and written before I even interviewed with Wharton:
5. Pursue Masters in Divinity.
+ I’ve grown much more spiritually recently. I’ve begun the quest to finish the Bible cover to cover. I didn’t use round 1 of the application process because I was busy being the coordinator for the Carnegie Hall event, which left me with only 1 round to apply for. But I feel that it’s worth it, even if I don’t get in this year. I’ve committed to my spiritual life and I feel that my recent decisions reflect my commitment. This isn’t a “what else can I do with my life, let me see if M.Div does anything” case.
+ I want to be a spiritual leader in my family, in my church, and at work.
+ Looking at the list of core classes I would need to take, I’m actually intrigued by almost all of them. (not too excited about learning languages, as I didn’t do so well with Spanish).
– I would feel like I just wasted the last 6 years of my life, 4 years professional and the last 2 years of college.
– I like being in business. I feel that I’m good at it, too. I just want a more operations/managerial experience in a different sector, and less of financial analyst role.But this whole MBA application process has done a couple things for me.
1…
5. I learned to trust God. I remember sitting in my boss’s office, lamenting my MBA college rejections, and he said, “you put your best foot forward, and that all you can do.” And he’s right. I did the best that I could, and the rest is really in God’s hands.
6. And perhaps most importantly, I realized that I am nothing without God. All this time I was saying, “I did this, I did that.” And I realized that I may have done that physically, but I would not have been capable of doing any of that without God. This realization doesn’t really change the fact that I can say that, but it does change the mentality in which I say that.
On Friday, February 18th, I found out that I was invited for an interview with UPenn. Even if I don’t get accepted, I am grateful for this really rigorous process that taught me a lot about myself. Of course, I’m hoping that I do get accepted.
The verdict now? I’m so glad I didn’t get into UPenn, and that I rejected NYU. It indeed has been one of the best things that happened to me, and one of the best decisions I’ve made, respectively. Now, the probability of me applying to MBA school again is quite close to nil.
– On Money
This is a long-winded way of getting to 2 things that happened to me in the past 2 weeks (this timeframe hasn’t been edited since its writing on October 2011). 2 weeks ago, I was sought out by MasterCard (yes, the company), who was trying to fill in their Senior Financial Analyst job. The job would pay $85,000, with 4 weeks of vacation, almost guaranteed 9-5PM or 9-6PM job (except for 8 days each quarter for closing the accounting books), and 6% match on my 401(k) retirement plan. And a tuition reimbursement program if I chose to go into MBA school. In fact, they encouraged people to expand their skill-set, and MBA was certainly one of those programs that they highly encouraged. This was all so ironic because NYU’s part-time MBA program extension center was in the same city of Purchase, NY, as this job would have been. I would have gotten it, I think. The recruiter was not an outside consultant, he was a HR manager for MasterCard. He said that they typically don’t jump on candidates to interview like they did with me. But they had another candidate coming in for an interview 2 days later, and the hiring manager wanted to see me then, too.
Then yesterday, October 11th, I got a call from a headhunter whom I hadn’t heard much from for the past 5-6 months or so. He says he’s got a great job around Westchester County where I live. In fact, it’s around the corner from Westchester airport (which is ridiculously close to where I live, and also close to NYU’s part-time MBA program extension center). It’s a hedge fund, and they’re looking to build up their finance team. They need someone with my background; someone who went to a high-caliber school like UC Berkeley, achieved high GPA like a 3.7, got promoted quickly in accomplished firms like IBM, and has made all the right moves to be jack-of-all-trades guy like I became at House Party (those were his selling points of me, not my own assessment). The base pay would be $100,000, and annual guaranteed bonus would be 30% of base pay. And most people make a whole lot more than that within 2-4 years, with wages that easily go above $200,000 and bonuses that can easily escalate to 50-60% of base pay. Oh, and they haven’t had a layoff in over 10 years. They didn’t even lay anyone off during this last recession.
I gotta admit I hesitated for a second, but nary for a second. I had never turned down a $130,000 job offer before. But there’s a first time for everything. The recruiter wasn’t furious, but it was clear that he was rather flabbergasted and was at least a little bit upset. “I’d be honest with you, Elliott, I wouldn’t give up the track that you’re on right now just because you want to be closer to your family and friends. You’ve made all the right choices with your career so far. And if you take a step back from where you are, you’ll discover that it’s tough to get back to where you want to go.” I said thanks, and he closed it off by telling me to contact him if I change my mind. I’ve met this recruiter before in person 2 years ago when I was leaving IBM. So he’s been with me for a while. Before we hung up, I asked him how he’s doing, if the recruiting marketplace is turning around and he’s getting more business. How’s his wife and kids? We laughed together about some things his 4-year-old does and ended the conversation cordially like we always do.
In some sense, I feel accomplished enough now. That’s basically all I wanted to know, really, is that I’m someone that’s capable of making that much. That’s the key word, “capable.” I think the infatuation that I had with Harvard MBA school was that I wanted to know if I’m someone capable of getting in. Perhaps a better word would be “worthy.” And similarly with pay, I wanted to know if I’m worth that much.
I know that any MBA program would have cost me $100,000 in tuition + $50,000 in living expenses + $xx lost in 2 years of salaries that I had to give up to go to school. That’s more than $300,000 in cost over 2 years (how much more, I won’t say). But median salaries + bonuses right after graduating top-10 business schools are all in the $100,000/year range. Knowing now that I can be worth that much even without a 2-year full-time MBA program just saved me more than $300,000, and quite possibly more importantly, that much time.
I suppose the case in point is that if I were offered those same interviews 12 months ago (again, this was written in October 2011), I would have jumped on them. 2 years ago, I made it through the third and final round of the interviews with the largest hedge fund in the world, Bridgewater, and I was more certain that I’d make it this time (Bridgewater was asking for my T-shirt size for the shirt they would include in the offer letter before they reneged). But my priorities are just different now.
(More recently in January 2012, I had the opportunity to be accepted into a role in Manhattan with another start-up company. After 3 rounds of negotiations, they came back with a final offer that was 70% higher than my salary at House Party at that time. I had been praying that my faith to be strengthened, and rejecting that offer was definitely a faith-strengthening exercise for me.)
– Time
Recently, I’ve reflected a bit more on time. Recently, I had a thought as I was starting to watch a football game that I really didn’t care about. I’m not just wasting my time. If everything I am is by God’s providence, then I’m wasting God’s time. That put a brand new perspective for me.
I feel that up to this point I wasted some time pursuing some stupid things, or pursuing nothing at all for that matter. I played a lot of video/computer games in the Army and in high school/college. I see how the youth group leaders at my church are living out their lives and I wonder, what the heck was I doing when I was their age? I didn’t do much. Sure, I did something at the age of 19 that they probably wouldn’t do when they reach 19, and that is go to war for 16 months. But other than that, I don’t remember doing much noteworthy. I took 5 AP classes my senior year in college and got a 3.0 GPA my final semester without even trying (I was not in class for more than 75% of the time, I can assure you). I was talking to my girlfriend at that time for 3 hours a day (yes, literally 3 hours a day, sometimes more, and you can verify that with my parents who couldn’t use the house phone cuz 18 year olds back in 2001-2002 didn’t have cell-phones. We got along really well, even after it ended). And if I wasn’t on the phone with her, I was on AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), just chatting away. I never studied, and the fact that I can hardly remember what I learned during high school attests to that fact.
When I was deployed as a 19 year old to the Middle East and Africa, I took that time to learn the basics of a guitar. I bought it for a $100, and in the beginning of the war in 2003, I was offered $300 from someone who said the stupidest thing he did was leave his guitar back home during deployment. I rejected it and I continued to teach myself a bit. But I never went beyond the basics, taking shortcuts and not learning the theory behind what I was playing. I was simply learning where to place my fingers on the guitar to make a certain note in a song, not why those notes, and only those notes, sounded right.
And with all that, I feel lucky to have ended up where I am today. Not too many people that I know can say that they rejected an opportunity to make $130,000 a year as a 27 year old without working 100 hours a week. But my step-father once rejected an offer to become the CEO of a Korean non-profit agency for $125,000 a year. Instead, he opted to become a head pastor, which pays even less than what I currently make. Money isn’t everything.
And that’s it. That’s all I ever really wanted to know. And now that I’ve gotten there, I’m more resolved than before (I was before, but this was an unforseen additional fodder to that resolve), to cater my life around the church.
– On spiritual highs
I’ve discovered that even 5-10 minutes of prayer before work accompanied by 5-10 minutes of prayer right after work does me wonders. I’ve never felt that kind of spiritual high before. I think it was last Wednesday or Thursday when I felt such a spiritual high and filled with joy that I actually had trouble falling asleep. I’ve come down a bit since then, but… (Not finished since writing in October 6th, 2011)
– On my chiropractor
That brings me to my chiropractor. He’s a good man, probably around 65 years of age or more, who struggles to wake up in the morning because he has breathing problems. He obviously doesn’t need the money. And he obviously doensn’t need to work everyday. But he continues to, and I was a great beneficiary for his commitment to his practice. I’ve been to many chiropractors, and he’s by far been the best one. He just knows things that others don’t, and immediately diagnoses problems and creates solutions when others have taken weeks to try to get to what the problem even is.
I’m not quite sure exactly what led to this, but we started talking about faith. And he told me about what he believes (paraphrased):
“People need to hear the good news. They need to hear what the Bible is all about, it’s a love letter from God to us. The Bible is about three things: love God, love each other, and forgive each other. Don’t make things too complicated.
Why do you reject Catholicism? Prayer and forgiveness should be done directly with God, not through a mediator. With other religions, people die with so much fear because they wonder if what they did in this life is good enough. But Christianity is so simple. Believe and you don’t have to worry about it. People make the mistake of trying to make the spiritual thing a material thing. It’s just the way it is. Believe in the gospel, and you’re going to heaven. Once you make it about what you do, and about the material things that you have to do, then you continue to live in fear, wondering if you’ve done enough.”
– On my strengths
Connections. I think my biggest strength is connecting the dots. In fact, I think in some ways that I could have been a good detective. I’ve always thought about … (did not finish this line of thought, written in October 2011)
– On my weaknesses
Stubborness. I can be quite stubborn sometimes. If I think I’m right, it can take me longer than it really should to see that I’m wrong. I would like to think that this isn’t a big problem if I’m never wrong. But everyone knows that I’ve been wrong many times.
Sarcasm. I need to dial this down quite a bit. Sometimes people take this the wrong way, and can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic. People that know me well seem to get this pretty quickly, but even then, I wonder if they’re hurt by what I say regardless of whether I’m being sarcastic or not. As I’m thinking a bit harder now about a part-time career in ministry, I need to control what I say, and it starts with limiting sarcasm.
Sometimes I speak cryptically; I may intentionally lead you to believe I meant one thing but I probably decided it’s not worth trying to change your mind on something so I’ll stop talking or speak with sarcasm without the sarcastic tone. Sometimes I write cryptic xanga entries. Here are a few that I’ll reveal today:
Friday, 06 May 2011 I think I just proved to myself today that I’m a risk taker, and not so risk adverse…
Army.
South America.
Quitting IBM.
Today.
What had happened then when I wrote “Today” as one of the 4 things to signify my risk taking attitude was this: my company was 4 weeks from bankruptcy and I decided to stay on board the sinking ship and not take a job offer from Washington D.C. with a non-profit firm. My company would borrow $x00,000 to stay solvent for a few more weeks and we would close a Series C financing round that raised $3.8 Million. I have a very unique relationship with my current boss, CFO, and my former boss, VP of Finance: I told them I was taking a day off for interview with a non-profit firm in Washington. My spill was that I want to be honest and open with them so that they know I’m open and honest with them on any every other matter. Furthermore, even if I got accepted (which was really low at 3-5% acceptance rate with ProInspire Fellowship program), I would have at least 3 months from notification of acceptance into the program and the start of the program. I got in, and asked my boss what I should do. He said to do what’s in my best interest, and that he’s not sure if we’ll survive more than a month. Nothing was certain when I decided to stay and wrote this.
October 29, 2010
I haven’t written in a while and there are good reasons for that. But today, I feel like writing again.We started with one thing in common. But I dug deeper, hoping to make more sense of that, hoping to make that relationship more mine. And I would have given up long time ago. Except for the fact that we are more like each other than anyone else I’ve ever known. For someone I’ve only spent seven days of my life with, it’s quite strange, and perhaps refreshing, to see us in two divergent paths but with the same character and attitude. It never was meant to be, and perhaps it’s nothing more than an exercise in serendipity. But damn it I care more about this than I thought I would.
We are different, too, in ways that matter deeply only to me, and for that reason alone I would not venture to predict any different outcome in the future.
It’s strange, though, isn’t it? For some reason, without that much time together, I can already predict the answers. I pose them and the animated expressions and genuine outburst of agreement simply verify what I’ve already known. I’ve spent much more time with others and not felt that cohesiveness. This, I’m not sure if I will ever have in any other place of my life.
Yes, this is mine now. This is now independent of how we were initially connected. We won’t speak again for a while, yet again.
But it will be, again, as though we had never left each other.
“Ways that matter deeply only to me” is my faith in Jesus Christ. She’s not a Christian. She’s a very physically attractive woman, but I’m not attracted to her for that reason alone. Otherwise I may consider pursuing her, as I briefly did in 2002 as a Christian Atheist. I haven’t spoken to her since, but I have a feeling the lapse in time won’t matter when we speak again.
Wednesday, 04 August 2010
Today, if I had the power to, I would have destroyed the universe.
I’ve heard my brother say this openly since then, so I’ll speak openly about it now. This was the day that my sister-in-law had a miscarriage.
A job opportunity that might be worth pursuing one day with a Ph.D., with the John Templeton Foundation.
Program Officer, Philosophy and Theology
Position Summary
Reporting to the Director for Philosophy and Theology programs, the Program Officer is responsible for the development of new funding initiatives and the management of the full life cycle of the grant process within the area of Philosophy and Theology. The Program Officer works with a team to oversee and coordinate the activities of the Foundation’s grant-making within this program area, including supporting the development of new projects, communicating with applicants and grantees, and helping to lead the assessment of grant outcomes and impact.
The ideal candidate for this role is a highly organized person with superior writing skills and substantial expertise and interest in philosophy and theology. A master’s degree in philosophy or theology is required; a Ph.D. is preferred.
It is essential for the successful candidate to understand and support the Foundation’s mission as a whole, as well as Sir John Templeton’s specific philanthropic intentions with regard to philosophy and theology.
Candidates who wish to review some of the Foundation’s recent grants in philosophy and theology may use the resources provided online.
The John Templeton Foundation provides support for research and the dissemination of research in a variety of areas. Typically, projects involving research and dissemination focus on “Big Questions,” many of which lie at the intersection of multiple disciplines. More specifically, the Foundation supports work that seeks to uncover the fundamental nature of reality, including work in physics, biology, philosophy, theology, mathematics, and the social and human sciences. In addition, the Foundation supports research and programs in areas such as Freedom and Free Enterprise, Genetics, and the discovery and nurturing of Exceptional Cognitive Talent and Creativity.
This was written on my personal computer on March 12, 2012:
The Christian Atheist, a Book Review. Written by Craig Groeschel, senior pastor of LifeChurch.tv.
This is quite possibly the easiest book review of this length that I’ll ever write. I recommend you stay away from this book.
I got my first B in Seminary today, out of the 7 classes I’ve taken so far. It was from my course in Psalms. 1/3 was on reading, 1/3 on final, 1/3 on paper. I didn’t do very well on the paper, and I can’t say that I was too surprised because I assumed that I only needed a certain graade in the paper to get an A/A-. But it turns out that the grading scale they used was A= 100-98, A- = 97-96, B+ = 95-93, B = 92-90. All the courses I had taken up until then had A = 100-94, A- = 93-90. So when the syllabus simply said that the grading scale is based on what’s in the seminary catalogue (there is no grading scale in the catalogue), I figured it’s just like the other classes I had taken. Instead, my 91.66% in the class = B.
Of course I was upset about this, and I suppose the professor can come back and say well there was no grading scale on the syllabus, so he can make it whatever he wants it to be. Or that I should have done much better on the essay and it wouldn’t be an issue. But for someone like me who’s working full-time and taking 1 semester’s worth of classes every month (8 classes during 8 months of Sept 2011 – April 2012), the difference is taking a day off of work to work on the essay (which I did) to earn a B or taking two days off to earn an A/A-. It’s a pretty big difference. So I was pretty upset because the grading scale seems extremely skewed beyond anything I would have ever imagined and I would have adjusted my behavior if I knew it was going to be. In my wildest imaginations, I would have thought that 90 being a B+ would have been as low as it gets; I never would have guessed a 90 = B.
Why do I really care? GPA wouldn’t really matter in how one ministers to others, right? Right. But I had spent an entire night last week looking at the ph.d programs that I can take on a modular basis (readings/assignments during the semester, lectures/seminars in the summer for 2-3 weeks). I thought how in 2 years I may be done with my Master’s degree. I would then, hopefully, move on from my current job when the company sells and become a teacher to spend the summer in these modular programs.
But the minimum Master’s degree GPA to apply for the ph.d program is 3.5, and admission process is “extremely competitive.” Which is why I wanted to remain as competitive with my grades as I can, knowing that some people who already know they’re getting their ph.d are already maintaining a 4.0. Can I still get into such a program with 1 B out of 30 classes? Probably; I don’t think, at least, that 1 B would be the determining factor between my acceptance/rejection of a ph.d program. Heck, the professor I took the Psalms course from took the Introduction to Hebrew class multiple times! But this still hurts.
Anyway, this is all being stated to say one thing. I adamantly believe that the things I get upset about and suffer for are oftentimes great pointers to my idols. What people think about me, about things I can’t seem to be able to forgive about myself, success, feasibility of financial stability… and grades!
Christian, what are YOU worried about today? What are you “atheistic” about in your actions and attachments today? I shudder to even wonder about all of my unknown sins and idols (Psalm 19:12). Thank God we are not saved by works but by our faith in Jesus, for one is justified by faith apart from works of the law (Rom 3:28).