You know, there’s been a lot of things going on in my mind lately.
-Classes
An essay due every single day of the week next week. Is my grade gonna be good enough overall to allow me to pursue a Master’s from one of top 7 MBA schools?
-Graduation preparations.
When do I officially move out? When will the girls move out and what should I keep? Where should my family stay for the graduation? Security deposit for comcast, rent, when do I return the grad gown?
-Summer 3 month road trip down to South America.
What else do I need to make sure we have all the car maintenance pieces together? What kind, if any, GPS should I get? What are some can’t miss places I shouldn’t miss? Can I sell my car in Argentina or do I need to ship it back up? Will I be able to cross the borders ok? Will Panama-Ecuador shipment of vehicle really work out? Will I have enough funds or will I run out? What am I forgetting to prepare? Will the guys back out at the last minute?
-Back, elbow, and neck pain.
Why won’t they go away even after hundreds of dollars of physical therapy, acupunture, chiropractic adjustments and prescription medicine? Will they be so bad during the trip that I will have to cut it short?
-TMJ realignment (stop jaw popping).
What would I do if one of the braces comes off during the 3 month trip? Will it ever really completely heal? When should I get my wisdom teeth and torii removed? Can I really fly back to see my TMJ specialist from work every 2 months? Why do I still wake up with relentless migraines every once in a while?
-Army transfer into Inactive Ready Reserve process.
If I go into IRR for the next 1.5 years, does this increase my chances of getting deployed like the rumors suggest? What if I’m called up while I’m traveling? Would I be court-martialed if I can’t make it?
-Consolidation and paying off loans.
Change address. Why hasn’t the army loan repayment program kicked in yet? Does the military really pay off nothing if I go into IRR and/or don’t renew the contract?
-Moving to New York.
Do I have enough time to move to NY after the trip? Where will I live, and how close should I live to work/New York City? (which is 1 hour drive away from each other) What do I carry with me on the plane and what is IBM’s policy?
-Brother’s wedding this September.
Am I jeopardizing my career by taking an extra day off in September to visit my brother in Germany after only 9 full days of work? What should I get him for his wedding? Should I really wear Class A uniform like he wants or should I keep trying to keep a low profile? Should I attend the one in Germany or Korea?
-Car problems.
On the drive down last night, with about 40 miles going downhill on the grapevine going about 65 miles an hour, 3 of the 4 studs on the right wheel popped out. My car violently jumped and started shaking furiously while literally riding on one stud, holding the wheel to the frame of the car. If that last stud had popped in half as well, I would have gone down the mountain, with nothing to hold onto and the detached wheel mindlessly wreaking havoc on the highway. I am the luckiest bastard alive. Why do I get the feeling someone, or some thing, wants to keep me alive? I am seriously contemplating selling the car now, forgoing shipping payments to New York, and just leasing one when I get there. I think during this whole experiment in trying to save money, I actually lost money.
And worry about money. Not because I don’t have enough of it to support myself. I probably have at least a little more than most people would guess. But more so because I feel like UC Berkeley isn’t enough. That it isn’t prestigious enough, doesn’t have good enough network to really try and make a difference. I read profiles of all these people that I admire and want to achieve a similar level of success, and I realize that none of them attended Berkeley.
Why was I driven away, albeit by my own stupidity, from the mortars? Perhaps if I just try hard enough this semester, pursue enough of my philanthropic passions enough, and work hard enough, I’ll eventually come across a solid group of close friends and coworkers who will help me achieve my elusive vision and/or go along the lonely journey with me.
I’m still worried about a lot of things, most of which are attached to the paradox of saving enough money for the trip while spending enough to enjoy my college life without arms length financial assistance. But every time I begin to really get worried about something, I take comfort in this fact: that I swore to God almighty I will never wish for a different fortune in any aspect of my life if I was just able to make it out of Africa and Middle East sane and alive. That I will enjoy every single day of my life because I would have given anything and everything I possessed to have a single chance in leading the life that I chose, not one that was chosen for me. That I will do everything in my power to live selflessly.
And I start to smile because not one day here has made me even think about reconsidering that pact. I asked for this. This is what I wanted.